Criticism & Appreciation

The first chapter of Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends and Influence People talks about criticism, something I often do after I consider a relationship a failure.  I’ve been taught that I need to not only receive constructive criticism, but also give back, and I also understand that such criticism may create resentment unless the choice is made to accept it, learn and grow from it or walk away angry, dissolving whatever friendship might’ve existed in the first place.

I totally disagree with his first chapter about criticism, especially considering it is a Leaders’ job to criticize and provide insight or feedback; so we’ve changed the word to Feedback; it’s the same thing and the art is it to approach it with a desire for other insight to grow from how others view you or an opportunity to win the person over with an intellectual argument proving they understand what is being said, felt, and heard.

I wish I could copy from the book to comment, but he says “remember, we are not dealing with creatures of logic, we are dealing with creatures of pride, bristling with prejudices, motivated by pride and vanity.”  I call it a guarded ego in fear of hearing a negative view or the truth about how one perceives another.  It takes a very strong friend to point out the flaws of another person without fear of hurting someone’s feelings and losing the relationship; it also takes a mature person to accept the words with an open mind and desire to see if it rings true within themselves and others.

Principle 1:  Don’t Criticize or Complain.
He takes a portion of a book called “Father Forgets” where the Dad spends the whole day criticizing the child without empathizing and feels guilty when he kneels at his bedside at night promising a new day where he would be a better dad, saying when his child hurt he would hurt, when he’d laugh, they’d both laugh, chum with you and suffer when he’d suffer.

He says its more important to figure out why they do what they do than to criticize them.  I’ve often approached people this way, standing back, not criticizing, wondering why they do what they do and then feeling bad for not stopping them and showing them the error of their wrongs, or a better way, as a good parent or friend should.  He says “it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.”  I don’t see the ‘breeding’ part of this in terms of sympathy.

I guess he hasn’t dealt with psychopaths, co-dependents, and energy sucking, abusive personalities.  Criticizing an abused person that hasn’t fully recovered just causes more pain and backlash than just walking away and calling it impossible.

Principle 2:  Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
He talks alot about not criticizing and I’m hung up on that word.  If you can’t communicate your perception about a person and what irritates you, then you can’t effectively change a person or form a bond or solid friendship.  Of course if the communication is 100% criticism, it won’t workout, it will feel abusive, attacking of one’s ego and persona, but if there is already a friendship formed, then both parties should feel open and value one another’s criticisms; otherwise, they are no friend at all.  Valuable and Healthy relationships consist of criticism, feedback, listening, and giving and receiving good, honest, and reliable advice and appreciation.

I used to end my friendly conversations with “Thank you for listening to me rattle on and I appreciate your viewpoint, it really helped me see things from a different perspective.”

So often I hear people complain they don’t feel appreciated.  Some require it vocally, some just feel it and are valued from their feelings without words, but to go on underappreciated or undervalued is certainly not healthy; therefore it’s up to the person missing it and needing it to ask for it.  It’s often avoided because it might require an argument, a conversation,where specific examples are necessary for the other person to understand but might not be attainable because of denial or the defensive battle mode they enter when the subject is brought up, not readily accepting what is being said.  After the argument is over, it will take time to feel the appreciation and efforts made to show it, might feel superficial since the person feels they shouldn’t have to ask for it or train someone how to make them feel appreciated.

Some relationships / friendships are salvageable at this point, some are not. Some of the “energy suckers” I found were in need of parenting, didn’t understand how to solve their own childhood problems or inner child problems without the help of others, relying on someone else to resolve conflict or ‘vent’ without taking into consideration how they made the sounding board feel.  When venting or complaining, a person my view the complainer as unable or unwilling to take action, even if the listener recommends it, causing the more emotionally intelligent one to find other sources of positive interaction.

I’ve been through plenty of troubled times personally and while problem solving does help creating stronger deeper relationships, it is in how the person with the problem communicates and what expectations are developed that matter.

For a friend to dump on a friend or get angry because she didn’t console her friend when she needed it, is just widely saying her friend wasn’t there when she needed her, but her friend didn’t take into consideration what and how she had used her friend in the past or understand that her friend didn’t want to be used that way anymore.  Some people don’t know how to interact in a positive way or be a positive force in a relationship; they get stuck on a negative path, affecting those around them.  If a friend gives a solution to the problem, shows them the way out and finds that person won’t take the path but continues to complain, then the friendship naturally decays.  When there is a pattern where the interaction only consists of discussing problems, whether it’s marital, financial, emotional or other challenges, it causes the listener to try to bring the positive to the surface.  If it’s continual, then you realize the person is using you to be a problem solver and it’s up to you to figure out if it’s working for you and giving you positive feelings by being able to perform as their free counselor.  It’s impossible to remain non-judgmental and undoubtedly a smart person would create distance.

It’s tough in friendships spanning across the years to see a person in a negative pattern, working with them through ups and downs on both sides, only to find the person will never come out of complaint and unactionable modes with and without assistance.  A good friend helps take action to solve problems, doing what they can within their means  and a good friend understands a friendships limitations.  Some provide just an ear to listen and sometimes that is all that is needed; other times, friends provide loans, opportunity, safe housing, clothing, food, hugs, smiles, and just companionship.  If the contribution to the friendship is unequal or unbalanced the friendship breaks, leaving broken hearts and bewilderment.

He also talks about Flattery; I’ve also said compliments are nice if sincere, but insincere flattery will get you no where.  When I catch someone trying to use flattery to butter me up, I remind them of my flaws.  Some ladies and even men will give into it and it’s laughable, to say they have a nice smile to get what they want.  I used to compliment people on a regular basis and sometimes used it to win in an argument or just to make someone feel better when they’re feeling low, but never used it expecting to take friendship on a deeper level.

Giving and receiving compliments, a form of flattery, is nice and you have to be willing to give them and also receive them, but they must be genuine, timely, and meaningful, otherwise, it’s just a ploy to get what you want.  Although some get away with it, they don’t realize they too are lacking in emotional intelligence if it works for them.  If someone uses flattery to make up for anger, they are avoiding the main issue or simply trying to redirect the attention onto something else; never really solving the problem.

I’m done with Chapter 2 of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and I’m already sick of his work.  He talks about kindness, appreciation, don’t criticize, and giving compliments, seeing good in people and I’m already fed up with his manufactured blueprint for creating strong relationships.  His words and stories are on such an elementary basic level, I wonder how who his primary audience is.  As if people don’t understand the basics of kindness, appreciation, and feedback.  I guess the majority don’t, which is why we have a 50% divorce rate.

Stop being fake.  Be who you are and if they don’t like it or your style, they can go find someone else to get “compliments, appreciation, and other flowerly friendly love emotions from.” Be respectful, don’t be mean on purpose, apologize if you feel you were, be a good listener, be there when needed, and know when to say enough is enough; I’m not getting what I need from you or give your friend an opportunity to know what is missing.

It’s difficult to talk about needs in friendships since it closely resembles a romantic relationship without sex, especially as you get older.  Meeting a new friend of the same sex is almost like a date, kind of awkward at first, and difficult to get started without a beer, a tennis racquet, basketball, mutual friend or classroom.  It also takes awhile to decide if you really like that person after the honeymoon is over.  It may take an argument to grow closer or end the relationship, but it definitely takes time.

I say “Be Actionable, Reliable, Encouraging, and Funny” this is far better than being a fake complimentor, lazy, and boring friend.  Try not to point out another ones’ flaws to gain acceptance from someone else and don’t capitalize on another man or woman’s deficiency.  Play on each others faults with humor and dedication to the friendship, making sure awareness and acceptance are present.  If you’re irritated or lose in competition, say so and strive for better deciding what is more important, the win or the experience.  Grow together, help each other out, get mad at each other, but shake hands at the end of the day and do it again the next time you need to.

In my friendships, I’ve found major imbalances in intellect, motivation, loyalty, jealousy, and reliability.  Whether it’s been due to age or variations in marital status, I tend to enjoy the company of others that I can learn from, emulate, or help.  I don’t often gravitate towards those who can help me, simply due to pride and not wanting to be burden on people, but did form an expectation of being helped in a time of need by friends that I maintained over a period of time.  When those expectations were not met, I felt abandoned, leaving me to question the ideals of a friendship.

I don’t think I could be friends with an unharmed person due to inability to relate, but I also don’t enjoy the company of friends that want to dwell on the problems or avoid them altogether.  Friends that can relate to certain experiences should be able to talk about their common experiences not to the point of exhaustion, but simply to form a foundation of empathy and commonality if possible.  If one dwells on the issue, they are still not healed from it and if you have the mental energy, you can assist them through it or drag each other down by it; a choice to be made in the beginning, but it requires awareness, patience and a decision.  I’ve found it’s healthy to follow up with a friend when they share their personal problems just to show a genuine interest in wanting to help or to celebrate that the problem was solved, but also to incorporate other activities such as sports, exercise or something else where you can spend quality time together outside of conversational problem solving.

I had one friend tell me “you shouldn’t tell you’re friends your personal problems.”  I laughed at her comment; thought about how far off from reality she was.  Her other friend never wanted to talk about her upbringing for whatever reason, I guess it was a bad scene and even though I could relate and was curious about her past, she shut down the conversation, showing she was not a friend that I could form a deeper long lasting relationship with.  A healthy friendship allows for conversations of bad experiences, as well as problem solving.  If you can’t discuss your personal problems or concerns in a friendship, then it is as shallow as a puddle of mud, secretive, not worth anything more than an occasional beer or ride to the bar to find a better friend.

 

The Tech Watch

The new and exciting Tech Watch is now on the shelves offering step tracking, phone connection, email and access to Social Media.  Is this a threat to the smartphone and the intelligence community, worthy of investment, or is it another wasteful short-lived gadget to add to the list of ‘interceptors’ or fad products?  How do you forecast longevity and know when to put it on a “Watch List” worthy of Long Term Investment.

It is a product that started out in cartoons, just like many others, so how many businesses would spend time researching the products progression by reviewing it’s design use, popularity, and profits during the years on TV and is there anyone willing to research it to show what we watch on Television as children, we later create and enjoy as adults?  Can anyone show other products of similar capability in cartoons that are also on the market today to either invent or invest in?  Could “cartoons” be an area of investment intelligence?

A watch that knows where I’m at, what I drive, where I work, who I talk to, who’s talking and walking with me, where I go, and what I think.  I’d buy it tomorrow if I could, but can it virtually teleport me to another land?

It is in the category of “Wearables” so does this mean there are other competitive products offering the same technology?  What are the Tech Wearables?  Watches, Headphones, Jewelry, Shoes, Jackets, all kinds of items with the ability to carry trackables, interceptors, transmitters, and eye catchers.

What one might view as an exercise tracker, just might be the next weapon.  How does Corporate stay informed about business intelligence security and devices being sold to kids all across the land and how does the Family Businessman handle intelligent devices on the wrists of small children that could put his entire company out of business with just a single friendly connection.

Better yet, how does the world stay friendly and not create a social gap just because Mom or Dad’s a businessman trying to protect his trade secrets.  How does Dad or Mom know when to invest in such a product and how do they know it has longevity and doesn’t cause Social Destruction, Financial Ruin and other major healthcare side effects?

Oh the Potential for the Tech Watch!

Target Customer:  Kids, Athletes, and Businesspeople.

Co-Dependents

I had this friend that always complained about her husband.  We all worked for the same outfit and she seemed to have it together at home, just unhappy.  She was often pessimistic in the workplace, but seem to get the job done.  She would sometimes openly compliment me on how good I was at work.  We’d have lunch and became closer, but the more she dumped on me about her personal life, the more I began to dislike her.  I would give her recommendations about how to find what she was looking for as in how to improve her love life and her work but she was a downer and rarely took my advice.  We went to visit psychics together, her mom being the prompter of the activity.  I’d always wanted to read minds, but her Mom was the gifter of my first set of tarot cards.  I began to study her and her Mother’s interactions, to find she was a middle child of divorce, like me.  She always outwardly complained of her strained relationship with her mother and her mother moved closer to her after her divorce.

What perplexed me about this woman was how quickly she moved on after her failed marriage and her inability to solve her own problems without dragging me down.  I could feel her negativity just pulling me down, as well as myself adapting to her negative style of interacting.  She never really changed, going into a new relationship.

Personally, I began to use her to vent, often being watchful of my words and trying to pull the conversation around to an actionable discussion instead of idle complaints.  I introduced her to a man who I thought she might be interested in since she was considering divorce.  They began to date and even though she had complaints of the distance between them, his unwillingness to travel and his smoking habits, I watched her give relationship ultimatums while she pushed him to her way of thinking and style of living.  She shared with me that she wanted a destination wedding so her family didn’t have to attend; atleast that’s what she said, and I couldn’t go because I didn’t have the money to travel to Hawaii, which sort of helped lessen her importance in my life.

Her new boyfriend lived in Orange County on the beach in his Grandmother’s home.  It was owned by his Mother who paid for the property and would eventually sell it and give them the proceeds when the time was right.  Her Grandmother died around that time and I remember she became very upset with me because I didn’t bother to console her during a time of loss.  I was sort of taken back by her expressed need from me.  I was tired of consoling her and making her feel better about her choices and life circumstances since our interactions centered around her unhappiness.  First with her first husband, then her Mother, then her sisters, then her second husband.  Friends should be able to talk openly about their years growing up, family problems, and should be able to relate and grow together, but this woman started out unhappy seemed to stay in the cycle for a long time.  When she did seem happy, I still couldn’t enjoy her company because her happiness stemmed from possessions.  I got scared and had to take a step back when I’d catch myself overspending or being negative like her, noticing that her behavior was definitely catchy like a virus.

Around the same time, my cousin was planning a wedding and was upset at me for not traveling to attend.  Jokingly, I told her I would make it to her next one.  I had traveled to her area a once before on vacation and was disgusted by her lifestyle, so I didn’t plan to go and rarely called the families on the phone, but she was upset, feeling that my party lifestyle was more important and I’d like to say it was; but it was really work, self, and party.  Her brother visited in me while I was on a weekend vacation in Las Vegas.  We met up with them (they were younger than us) and had a drink and parted ways.  He mentioned “the party was more important” and left in anger towards me, as if he expected to alter my plans to please him.  These words and thoughts stuck with me because this all happened around the same time.  It was a form of jealousy or neediness that I can’t stand.  What I could not understand was their need and expectation from me and who was in the right or wrong.  Why did these people need my time, my attention, and my presence so much that they would get angry and distant if I didn’t give it to them.  Why would they say such things when they didn’t even give much to the relationships to warrant my undivided attention?

These three had these things in common; the need for attention, admiration and consolation and emitted anger or resentment when I would not give into their neediness. They themselves were like small children, in need of a strong shoulder or acknowledgment in their failures or times of heartache and celebration.  Although I like being invited to parties and have empathy when friends’ relatives die, I’m not usually one to get angry when a friend doesn’t acknowledge the death of a distant relative or is present for the celebration of marital vows when they aren’t even a part of my daily life. I do provide empathetic ears and consolation to a point, but I got tired of offering free counseling to my damaged friends.

These two women didn’t make sense to me at all, so I studied their behavior and found a severe case of co-dependency and unhappiness.  They have moved on and maintained what seem to be happy lifestyles in their marriages, one relying on food as their source and the other on expensive purses and cars.  On Facebook, they seem to be happy, but that form of communication isn’t reality.  When I needed them, they weren’t there.

I was sad to see my friendships take such a turn because other than her negativity and passiveness, she was alright and I could’ve kept her around for dinners, movies, and shopping if it weren’t for her excessive spending, draining style of communication, and her constant complaining.  It was like she didn’t have anything of value to add to the relationship other than complaints of her loved ones.  I read somewhere that once you share your marital problems with a mutual friend, perceptions and the friendship changes as a whole, slowing chipping away since the mutual friend is forced to take sides, and eventually erodes the whole relationship when the observer or sounding board starts to see the how the parties interact in their marriage.  A tough place to be in indeed.

Another case of observed Co-Dependency was a friend I’d known for 20 years.  She was a stay at home mom of two and I visited her regularly, every 6 months and observed her for about two years living in the same neighborhood.  I watched her submissive nature turn into severe co-dependency where she’d call her husband at work at least 5 times per day, unable to make a single decision without his input and very verbally abusive to her children whom she couldn’t control.  Her whole life revolved around cleaning house everyday, taking care of her children and caring for her husband; which would’ve been admirable if there wasn’t 5 lbs of soap scum in the bathroom and if her kids bedsheets didn’t smell like urine.

I accepted these people and their flaws, but when I found myself in a place of need, the contribution to the friendship was not mutual; as in if I had a friend in need of a place to stay for safety or help and offered it to them or if I had money and they needed it; I would certainly give what and where I could.  This wasn’t the same for them.

I defriended all of them due to a drain on my system, but struggled with letting them go after realizing they weren’t deep relationships worthy of keeping as I had hoped; and then I wondered, am I the only sane one out there.  I found other sane people along the way, but I’m sure with a few years of friendship, I’d find flaws in them as well or envy on my side.

 

Astrology as a Science

Let me ask my Astrophysicist if it’s possible to make Astrology a Science.
Astrology is built up on Astrological Star Signs and predictions are made based upon your date of birth and interaction with other star signs.  For many years I read my horoscope on a daily basis deciding if it was accurate or inaccurate, being aware that the prediction was used as a catalyst to assist throughout daily navigation.

Many astrologers write horoscopes to predict or tell you how your day will go.  Some people read them at the start of their day and some read them at the end of the day; some read them at both points, but the purpose is to see if the prediction was accurate, much like the weather, and where the Scientific Method is used to test a theory through observation and experimentation.  Just by reading a horoscope, I’ve already instilled an idea of how my day is going to go; with an internal conversation establishing want based upon what someone else says; a need for some people as evidence that someone else understands my personal psyche or atleast my birthdate.  Remember, friends are great friends if they honor, celebrate, and know your birthday.

In order to use the scientific method in deciding if a horoscope is accurate or a self-fulled prophecy is like asking who is in charge for the day.  First, you have asked the astrologer to help predict the day, therefore you have allowed your astrologer to provide insight; secondly, you form an expectation and want that your astrologer is correct; internally creating a union with your astrologer to help make it correct, if it is to your liking.  So a relationship is formed and observed to see who is correct and you use your own actions to make the unwanted portion of the prediction incorrect, by looking for signs or situations where it might be true.  This is called awareness and seeking to fulfill or prevent the prediction.

Without an Astrologers prediction, you rely on yourself and your own understanding and desires, but most likely internally rely on something higher such as a God or a friend (often asking God for guidance or signs to show you the way to go since you don’t already know yourself).  So can you scientifically decide astrology using astrophysics?  You would have to understand Physics and believe in the Stars to really believe in it.  You would also have to understand and develop your own powers in manifestation to really enjoy Personal Power, and want to establish your own Predictive Abilities in yourself and others to understand the Psychic Astrologer.  You do this on a daily basis, but aren’t always 100 % correct and we all want to know why; what was the reason our prediction was off and why didn’t things go as we hoped or expected.  Was it a matter of time, power, chance, bad luck?  How do we measure it?

Prediction:  My Day is Going to Be Filled With Positive Interactions, but someone will try to ruin the day.

First, it started out positive, with an expectation that the day is going to be great, but someone will come along and ruin, so there is some negativity and unwanted encounters in the prediction.  Is this from a mindset that “there’s no way I can have a great day because there’s always someone around that will ruin it” and if that’s the mindset; then the mindset is pessimistic and an expectation is set or concern is set that It Can’t Be A Perfect Day because there’s ALWAYS someone that will come along and ruin it.  So, to change this or combat it:  Either 1) Change Your Environment or 2) Change Your Hypothesis.

But what if that’s what the astrologer said.  Then you will be watchful for that person that comes along and ruins it.  So by looking for someone negative, you might actually be inviting that negative person into your environment just by that expectation; or alternatively keeping that negative person away from your environment by being aware that your trusted adviser has this insight.  You might be in the early stages of the relationship with your trusted adviser, so you might need to see it in order to believe in the prediction; thereby making it an overall good day because your PURPOSE was to 1) Test Their Prediction; or 2) Fulfill the Horoscope; so your purpose was fulfilled.

So systematically, you must first Trust in the Horoscope to determine if the Astrologer was correct or incorrect.  Secondly, if correct, you might continue to trust the Astrologer and learn that you have control over the outcome.  Then you learn and are watchful how you control the outcomes, determining if it was by your own doing or your astrologers’ doing.

So determining if the Astrologer is in Charge or if You are in Charge is a whole other area of study, but atleast you see how a prediction can be fulfilled through belief and awareness and once you see that you can begin to create your own beliefs and awareness fulfilling your own prophecies, but beware of your inner critic; The one inside that says “It’s Never Going To Happen” or “I know I’ll Fail.”

Using the Scientific Method in Astrology is not in question.
Hypothesis:  How is my day going to go?
Prediction:  Great, but someone will try to ruin it.
Observation:  It went great, but someone tried to ruin it.
Conclusion:  My day went great, someone tried to ruin, therefore my Astrologer’s Prediction was not only accurate, but also that my day was great and even better when the prediction was proven, making the encounter with the person trying to ruin it, less irritating than if I were just blindly go about my day with an irritating person.  OR, I learned awareness in being watchful for what my astrologer said and learned how I created an expectation in my own mind by believing my astrologer, so now I understand if I don’t believe what my astrologer says, then I can make a more accurate and better hypothesis that leads me to a GREAT DAY of MY OWN MAKING!!

Now go learn about Physics and the Law of Attraction and stop relying on a Bright Thing in the sky that’s made up of Gas to tell you how your day is going to go.  OR contemplate Science vs. Mystical Religion.  Scientifically stars are made up of gasses and religiously or mystically, they are magical heavenly bodies guiding your way.

🙂

Racial Tension

Growing up, I always tried to not be racist.  The “N” word was often used, and there was only a few of them in school, so low class, some high class, as well as an abundance of mexicans and even low and upper class white people.  I used an objective mind, giving people the benefit of the doubt, going along with the same ideal that we’re all alike underneath, that it is access to opportunity that makes us different and not just our skin color, but really that is a BOLD face lie.  Even if they dress the same, we have a different form of speech, mindset, and mentality.  We are vastly different and even when I encounter a semi-intelligent one; I am still disgusted by their race.  I feel I’m qualified to write about it due to my life experience and surroundings.  I’ve seen nothing but disgusting, disgraceful attitudes and appearances from these people.  It sickens me.  I’m currently residing with two of them and have had to reside with several others and am renting from one.  It’s been a disgusting time, not only because they stink (as we all do at times) but because my experience residing with them sickens me so much that I can’t even put it into words and if I do, it becomes a fight over skin color, when really its a fight about intellect, skin tone, voice tone, choice of words, superiority or whatever.  I could tell you about all of their wrongs and one could say the white man or woman has the same problems, but I am surrounded by them in the City, stuck as a short white woman, forced to live with them and under their rule.  They are a sick population and I am so glad to be moving out of this environment and stage of my study.

I have no findings, other than internal knowledge and pride to say I am different, I am better, and I have enough experience to back that up, although I am forced to stay silent in order to stay protected because they are violent.  I’ve taken a close look at slavery, the Black’s rise to power using Martin Luther King, Religion, groups like the Black Panthers, Gang Violence, Women’s Rights/Suffrage, and even looked at them in a Military setting where rank was the only differentiation.  I’ve even gone so far in my study to engage romantically with them, as well as study the viewpoints of Black Females and their thoughts on Inter-racial Marriage as well as how they interact in Family Settings.  Inter-racial marriage or even inter-racial cohabitation is not for me and should not be forced onto anyone.

Where they came from and where we came from is still a mystery, but clearly they were created after us, other wise we wouldn’t have had superiority over them, and their majority wouldn’t bow down and worship a White Man called Jesus Christ.  Secondly, their fight for freedom and desire to form a gang is comparable to any group being held down from basic rights of freedom, but done so in a strategic fashion for protection.

I do try to figure out the purpose of Segregation and look at history from then and now and after reviewing Rap Music, Clothing Choices, Slavery, and the way they hold onto Family Traditions, claiming ancestor pain for their suffering as a group, is / was similar to my own pleas to God, yet different.  They seem to want to hold onto and draw off of the Slavery period and use Racial Inequality as a means to get ahead.  When or if it is ever mentioned, they become angry, going into an abusive mindset or choose to avoid the topic altogether; as if a white woman can’t even have the discussion without getting her ass beat and thrown out on the streets or even have an intellectual conversation.  For example, I briefly mentioned to the lastest Black Female resident that I was on my way out due to some major household issues, I told her everyone that has lived her was black and we can’t seem to get along; she immediately said I was racist; that I have race issues. She couldn’t intellectually respond from a personal viewpoint and respond about how it might be interesting or that she was sorry I felt that way, that perhaps it was something else; nor did she bother to inquire the nature of the issues at hand.  It was and is Race, but the deeper underlying problem was that I couldn’t get along with the people of color due to their mindsets, lack of intellect, and their own sickness, stubbornness, and lifestyles.  So can we cohabitate?  Yes, but only briefly.

It’s just a general idea of power and control; knowing they have power and control and they will use it; even if it’s abusive, hurtful, detrimental to the health and welfare of the population.  They’ve collectively used a sickening tactic and going back to Martin Luther King’s idea of “I have a dream where all men (and women) are created equal” proved possible on the Hill, but not in reality and everyday life.  No black man will ever be equal to the white man in my eyes, but that’s seeing life through my eyes.  In other words, Mr. Martin Luther King was saying “I want to be like the white man” so America gave them a chance through education, affirmative action, and by promoting diversity, forcing people to live and work together and I still cannot agree that they were created equal, not even in birth of a new life because people are born into families, families carry on traditions, and life is learned or God given.  I think the major separation and differences stems from exposure to abuse and poverty and even if these areas were taken away; the mind still holds on to past trauma’s and views of inequality, differences, and attitudes based on experience.  At the end of the day, it’s best to maintain distance, stay true to oneself and don’t let the Black Man, Black Woman, Mexican Man, Mexican Woman, Chinese Man, Chinese Woman, Korean Man, or Korean Women, Island Man or Island Woman hold you down, but learn from their deficiencies; realizing War is and was for a reason and so is evolution.

Black Lives Matter became some slogan this past year, but for what and how long with they claim inequality, begging for recognition?  My life matters more than any black life. I don’t understand how and why they are still begging and protesting for attention, aside from a few televised Criminal Justice Actions.  I have not written about African Americans and Crime for along time because the greater problem is Motivation, Opportunity, Fairness, Poverty and Drugs.

It’s not my fault I couldn’t attend Yale University and become a high priced attorney and it’s not their fault their parents were our slaves, but at the end of the day it comes down to trying and giving life a shot at success, using whatever you’ve learned, but since I’ve learned and experienced all of this; I cannot work for a Black Man, rent from a Black Man, Cohabitate, or even listen to a Black Man or Women speak.

How to Win Friends and Influence People – Book Review

I first read this book in the late 1990s, recommended to me by a friend.  When I met this friend, I thought internally, what a great personality, a dominate personality, one that his friends clearly looked up to and not because of military ranking.  So, I went out and bought the book and I don’t think I read it completely, or I read it at a time when I was reading a ton of other books, so I didn’t really grasp Mr. Carnegie’s recommendations and strategies on How to Win Friends and Influence People.  I already had a natural ability myself and never struggled with making friends, but it was a Best Seller, so I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.  Mostly, I wanted to see a man put the Natural Ability into words and steps to see if it was aligned with my approach and also to see how I could use his steps as a Salesperson or whatever I decided to become after my military career.

It’s 20 years later and I’ve purchased the book again for a re-read.  I like to re-read books to not only work my memory, but to see how and if my personality or mind changed. Mainly, I wanted to see if any of it sunk into memory and use in everyday life.  I recall trying to put some of his ideals into practice and feeling uncomfortable doing so because it was a new purposeful way of interacting, outside of my own natural ability.  I don’t remember if I continued to use his recommendations, so I want to re-read his book to reflect and decide if his book was instrumental in helping me influence people along the way.  I had a lot of friends, but lost them, so I think this will give me some insight into reason.  I certainly don’t blame myself for their loss because they weren’t really positive influences; they were strenuous friendships, draining of my time and energy, with no other purpose but to vent, to drink with or to rely on in a time of need.  My friends often used me as a Psychologist, to discuss marital or family problems, to observe and partake in their bad habits or to just sit idle in boredom, wasting time or to shop for things that were already in abundance.  Some were entertaining friends, but many were lost when times got tough and distance became a factor.  I always enjoyed their company until jealousy, abuse, and serious life changing situations would arise.  I often found my friends didn’t put the same amount of energy and dedication into the friendship as I did or they just failed in many aspects to meet my expectations of what a friend is, what a friend should do, and how they should behave.  I can’t say I was a perfect friend either, but interactions, experiences, knowledge, and growth changes relationships and unfortunately, now I have no friends.

Re-reading a book is like watching a movie for a second and third time, seeing things you did not see before and changing your mind about old viewpoints or associations you used to make to understand things and put them into practice.  One idea Mr. Carnegie presented in his book perplexed me and it was the only take away held in memory:  You need to make people think it’s their idea.  I never could figure out a way to do this, or why this would be beneficial since it seemed to be a form of manipulation, but I will take a closer look at this the second time around.

Ideal Co-Parenting

Oh Crap!  Baby on Board; Parent’s don’t really want to be together, yet have an obligation and desire to care for the baby.  Naturally, a Mother’s instincts and desires are greater than the Father’s.  So, in the best case scenario, the parent’s apologize to each other and strategize on how to care for the baby; keeping their baby as top priority.  Naturally, the parent’s have to consider their own priorities and minimize financial and health declines; more responsibility falls on the working Mother than the working Father.  The Working Father should do his best to offer Emotional and Financial Support during the Pregnancy and the Mother should be the sole decision maker in the Father’s physical involvement during the pregnancy since it involves her body.

The Father should purchase baby items and perhaps an item or two for the Mother’s Health and Comfort to prove he understands the importance of a Mother carrying a child.  If both parties agreed to dissolve or quit romantic relations, then they should be able to carry on as friends, knowing and understanding boundaries of such friendship and should be encouraged to carry on as such; but not forced, especially if one doesn’t know or understand such boundaries.

The attitudes and actions during pregnancy are what are important and help pave the way for future contact and successful co-parenting.  If a man can’t even call the Mother to ask how she is doing or even send a baby gift during the Pregnancy, then he’s not the Father; it’s as simple as that.

Should he be held financially liable.  Yes, unless the Mother feels more threatened or trapped by or sickened by any involvement or contribution.  If a Single Mom can’t afford to pay for a baby and pursue her plans prior to the surprise Pregnancy, then the Father is Financially obligated and the Mother has a right to be protected in pursuing Financial Support.  Federal, State, and Local Authorities have an obligation to protect the Mother and Child, especially given her selected career choice and accomplishments.

Financial Support, Custody and Visitation do not go hand in hand and should never be intertwined; although they are.  Many Father’s and Mother’s use Child Support and Child Visitation as a means to gain financially and many Custody Case Participants use threats and legal intimidation to either protect themselves or purposefully harm the other; the end result being hospitalization and loss of their child altogether.  This is almost similar to a regular marriage where children are used as soothers after a parental disagreement and money and purchases are used to make up for mistakes or to sway a child to side with one parent or another.  In marriage, this can be used in a healthy way, unless abuse and bad motives are present.

Not being born into a married family is difficult enough, but to add threats, intimidation, abuse, manipulation, and forcing oneself onto another is more harmful than just walking away and paying a bill.

It’s SAD when a 32 year old man doesn’t understand boundaries and know how to conduct himself; proving he is severely lacking in empathy and even basic human relationship ability; a flawed character and very dangerous to a woman and child.

Legal Questions; Real Case of Division of Assets in Divorce

Both parties were working when they met; one working on building a business and the other working as a housekeeper.  Ms. Karin Jarett had 3 grown children from an abusive relationship.  Mr. Wilson wasn’t interested in dating, but gave in to Ms. Jarett and after dating for a year, they moved into Mr. Wilson’s house.  Mr. Wilson and Ms. Jarett married in 2002.  Mr. Wilson bought his house before marrying his wife.

Ms. Jarett complained about her ex-husbands abuse, was forced to leave her underaged children to an abusive Father and suffered parental alienation.  Ms. Jarett’s aunt and uncle visited on occasion and moved from San Francisco to Calaveras County.  Ms. Jarett spoke of feelings of her own parental alienation due to her past marital problems.  She had limited contact with her family and her children.  Ms. Karin Wilson appeared to have a drinking problem and often spoke of her past life as an abused wife and mother.

When she moved in with Mr. Wilson, she began a home cleaning business.  Mr. Wilson helped her financially and provided her a clean and safe home, free of abuse.  They often threw parties at the their home as arranged and led by Ms. Jarett, since she was a frequent attendee at the bar, often in the social limelight, which was in conflict with Mr. Wilson’s desired lifestyle.  Ms. Karin Wilson did the best she could as a grandmother.

Mr. Wilson built his business as an Electrician and Home Technology Systems Provider. Ms. Karin Wilson was present for the pregnancy and birth of Mr. Wilson’s grandson Mr. Gavin Michael.  The Wilson’s provided a safe place for Mr. Gavin to visit and both parties assisted Mr. Gavin’s Mother throughout her pregnancy and provided emotional support during their Child Custody Case.

Ms. Karin Wilson was a good wife, but became ill, diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  She also suffered a car accident and purchased breast enhancements with her settlement. Ms. Karin Wilson did not consider using settlement money to assist in paying off the house or to assist her children or her step-daughter in their recovery.

Prior to her sickness, she kept the house clean and both parties seemed to work well together and appeared to be a happy couple.  They enjoyed Horseback riding, entertaining by the pool, and raising chickens.  Ms. Karin Wilson did not work full time as a housekeeper, but was physically capable throughout their marriage, until she became sick.

Ms. Karin Wilson reported Mr. Wilson had difficulty with her sickness and her rapid decline, thereby prompting her to leave to be taken in by her youngest son in another state.  She left and both parties stated she’d return within a month; she did not return, but both parties decided they would separate.  She has returned to the County and resides with her aunt and uncle near Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson is concerned he will lose his house in his divorce.  Ms. Karin Wilson has not stated she believes she has an entitlement to Mr. Wilson’s house, but Mr. Wilson pays her $400 per month to help her with her living expenses and medical bills.  The parties were married for 9 years.  She has stated she has plans to file for divorce in Calaveras County.

If Ms. Wilson files for divorce and waits past the ten year mark, is it possible Mr. Wilson would be forced to sell his house?  What does the judge use to make this determination? Time or Financial Contribution to the Marital Estate?

Mr. Wilson has no requirement to pay his wife/ex-wife alimony; as it is not a legal requirement.  He may even struggle to help pay for her expenses, but is he required to and if not, what prompts him to do so?  How is this viewed in the public opinion?

Personally, from a daughter’s perspective and lawyer’s perspective, Mr. Wilson has no obligation to Mr. Karin Wilson.  Although she did assist in making a house a home in keeping it clean and decorated, she failed to provide financially to the estate and failed to become a full fledged member of the family.  She entered the contract, capable of working and contributing, and even though Mr. Wilson made enough money to care for her, allowing her to only work part time, she did not bring or make a equal and equitable contribution to the marriage other than housekeeping and decorating.  Mr. Wilson may appear as not meeting his end of the marital vows simply due Ms. Karin Wilson’s “Health Decline” and his promise to stay married in sickness and in health, but Ms. Karin Wilson did not enter into the contract as an emotional healthy woman, thereby potentially nullifying the agreement and any argument of a “Fault Divorce” or claim that Mr. Wilson owes Ms. Karin Wilson alimony due to breach of contract.

Emotional wounds and abuse are unseen, but place a great deal of strain on marriages. Some parties can come out of the pain and suffering and enter into new agreements, but Ms. Karin Jarett Wilson continued on as an Alcoholic, engaging in behaviors undesirable to Mr. Wilson and family, placing Mr. Wilson’s business and reputation at risk.

I wish someone would assess my argument.

 

 

 

 

East vs. West Geography

I thought I’d venture out to the East to see what life was like in comparison to the West. My findings are quite amazing, in that, the only major differences seem to be the accent. Geographically, California is quite comparable to the Eastern States, with a few exceptions like New York (LA is comparable), Delaware and some other regions up the Northern East Coast where there are very large houses built on large properties.  The City regions are the same, congested with traffic on the Interstates.  The Interstate on the West Coast is very straightforward; with one major freeway, but the East Coast is split up among states, lacking in one highway.  Washington DC is a landmark that stands out above the rest, but the city is jammed packed full of crowded houses, streetwalkers, yet still beautiful to me at night time.  New York was heavily congested with traffic and a fearful place to be in due to heavy crime and bad drivers.  They simply have too narrow of streets for the number of cars and people, much like Los Angeles.  Massachusetts was enjoyable and the architecture was a mix of old Industrial Style buildings mixed with some modern skyskrapers.  The weather in the Winter is comparable to Northern California and parts of Nevada.  One major difference from the East to the West is the Desert Plains.  California neighbors Arizona with dry desert heat and the East Coast is separated by the Atlantic Ocean and Desert of what the TV calls Iraq.  I don’t know if it really exists since I’ve never been there, but I’ve heard many people talk about it.  I’ve been through the San Dunes of California and dealt with the extreme temperatures in Arizona so I can only imagine what it must be like.  Crime is still visible in every city and I still hear sirens every night on the East Coast.

Basically, all of the states are the same, with major population problems, traffic issues, crime and homelessness, and the people are primarily the same on the surface, but you really can tell the differences between an Easterner and a Westerner.  The governments are varied, still operating with their own sets of laws, differing from other states, and it’s still difficult to be a tourist on a disability paycheck or to settle in and become a resident.

The East Coast beaches are better, cleaner, and are not polluted with Algea and sand bugs, but parking is expensive and there is no real estate left to build.   The people look the same, but act differently, and Virginia Beach is as I expected; heavily populated by African Americans.  Colonial Williamsburg is comparable to Sutters Fort in California, making you really wonder where the United States began.

If Gold was discovered in California, then why is Virginia considered the Homeland?  Doesn’t make sense for travelers to migrate west to find gold and then travel back east to establish the Constitution and the White House.  I’m starting to believe life began on the West Coast and not the East Coast.

Who Am I vs. Who I Was

I’ve always asked this question:  Who Am I?
I used to be a strong, successful woman, striving for self-improvement and a motivator and champion of other’s improvements.  I used to lead, have fun, and take on a mellow attitude when problems or stressful situations would arise.  I managed my insecurities well, could read people, often times sensing thoughts and feelings, making good assessments of people.

It wasn’t until I had a baby that I fell apart; experiencing a major decline in health, inner strength, and happiness.  I loved taking care of others and teaching, but I hated dealing with possessive, psychotic, abusive and dramatic people.  I still do.img1498156539146

I am still pretty, yet, aging fast.  My teeth are stained, ruined and I can’t afford Dental Work. It’s sad because I am still capable of getting back in the workforce; I am just being blocked by some weird Middle Easterner Cyber War.  But, Fuck It, I’m still pretty; when I hide my hurt, my smile, and ignore my losses.  I have some ugly red hair color and short haircut that i really hate.  I also weigh alot more, due to depression and no access to a gym.  My internal motivation is lower because of high exposure to abuse.  I fear I am on my way out of life, no longer loved, rewarded or cared for.  I am damaged goods.  I have been abandoned and left in a Black Man’s Abusive world.  It’s disgusting to be surrounded by this nasty life and even more so to have to live as a woman on the run, not knowing where I will lay my head next week.  It doesn’t pay to serve your Country or My Country or anyone for that matter; if it did, I’d feel healthy, have a healthy nice circle of friends, a family, and all of those things that make up the American Dream.  I rationalize by telling myself things are not of value, but I’m lying to myself.

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I don’t even have a Will or Trust, I don’t even have a vision of a funeral; I have no more friends and my family has disowned me for whatever reason.  I can’t make up for lost time, and I can’t even find a reason to continue supporting the United States.  I have seen nothing but Trauma and I’m not even a doctor, for if I was, I’d cause mass genocide since the world is a fucking pit of disaster, dysfunction, twisted up by moral and financial variations.

I can’t even afford to have my car registered and I fear police harassment and abuse.  I fear speaking out about the truth and I fear someone unqualified has the upper hand and a mind to abuse for no just cause, much like before; it’s as if I’m stuck in 2005-6 with no way to move forward.  Life is precious.

What can I work as now that I’ve seen such beauty come from the sky?  What can I do now that I’ve entered in such a state of hate and discontent?  What can I do now that I’ve seen and spoken to the dead?  What can I do on such a limited budget, living in fear of harm, and with such a void in my heart in having lost 9 years of friendship and Motherhood with my only child.  What can I do having experienced 5 years of mental torment and seen nothing but ugly, unattractive and abusive men?  What can I do now that I have a Mental Disorder of Depression, a messed up smile, and an unwillingness to settle for a shitty government paycheck?

What can I do, but sit back and write about it.  I can’t even pull my chapters or posts together to create a Biography or even a book about the Human mind, the Universe and my 41 years of life experience.  All I can do is eat, manage my internal self hatred, fears, and negative self talk, firing back at who once were my external enemies who have now become internal voices, breeding more fears and pain; causing me to talk to myself and fight battles that have no outcome.

Maybe I should focus on life on other planets, but how with a clouded view presented by Hollywood.  Is it really a world of nasty looking life, broken down spaceships, more fighting with space guns, destruction, and ugliness?  Is it more criminally powerful and one sided with no hero; is it polluted like Earth?  Does it revolve around food, sleep, thoughts, and actions?  Are people punished for being pretty, hurt for being short, internally held down by negativity and damaged by surroundings of lesser beings lacking in self confidence?  Are their emotional relationships?  I like emotions, I enjoy sex, and love, but I can’t have them anymore.

Life is nothing without Justice and finding joy in watching my enemies suffer in pain and seeing myself gain financially for standing up for my rights, well being, and strength.  I beg for my own death; to be removed from this earth because it is not sufficient for a mind and heart like mine.  I view myself as one who lost in life, lost the war, and lost in her quest of joining with a man to achieve the American Dream, therefore, I am a LOSER.