San Diego Housing Crisis

Can you believe these idiots think they can get away with charging 600-700 dollars to rent a room in San Diego as a roommate?  A woman who protected the area and the very beach that these sick people enjoy swimming in, can’t even afford to sleep in a healthy living space of her own because America is fucking sick and greedy.

Fuck you San Diego Housing Authority.  Fuck you to ye who think it’s okay to house dirty families, mexicans, philipinos, asains, and iraqi’s before an American Woman.  Fuck you.

Elder Abuse Case

Weird encounters of the third kind?  I don’t even know what “the third kind” really means, but it’s typically depicted as bizarre, alienish, and problematic.  I spent a few days in a little town called Homer, Nebraska.  I answered a Craigslist Advertisement for “caregiving in exchange for room and board.”  I was hoping this could stimulate my economy a bit, as well as offer an opportunity to care for someone.  Craigslist’s has been full of psychotic people, so I thought it would be interesting to take a journey out of state and see if we’re dealing with a nationwide crisis or a local crisis and confirmed it’s a National Problem on our hands of Abusive, Psychotic Criminals.

The man described my

East Coast Travels

Google maps says it’s 11 hours and 26 minutes, showing some construction along the way to Louisville, KY.  I haven’t checked beyond that for the full route, as I enjoy taking it one day at a time.
Destination:  South Dakota to take a closer look at Mount Rushmore and the Louisiana Purchase.  In 11 hours and 33 minutes I can be in Cape Canaveral, FL learning more about Space Travel.

I considered going through Indiana and Illinois for a faster more direct route to the state, but since I’ve already traveled through Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois, I’ve decided to take a different route, even if it takes longer, since I’ve never seen Kentucky or much of Missouri.  I plan to travel from Louisville to St. Louis, to Kansas City, all the way up on the border of Nebraska and Ohio, cutting over through South Dakota.  Climate Change was always on the forefront, as well as the decline in Human Intelligence.

Although I didn’t get to travel to the Carolina’s or Florida, I think I’ve seen enough of the east coast to satisfy my appetite, especially since I’ve been here before.  My travels up through Virginia, Washington DC, New Jersey, Delaware, New York, Connecticut and Massachusetts was quite a journey.  Just passing through and staying a few months in Massachusetts was enough to experience the New England States and although I didn’t get to enjoy a hot bowl of local Clam Chowder, I was able to enjoy the early winter months to find out it’s not much different than the mountains of California. Traveling through West Virginia, I found an area hit by a devastating storm, possibly a tornado, where bugs ruled the air.

Here in Virginia Beach, I can’t say I’ve found anything too different, other than cleaner beaches and a different style of beachfront homes.  The houses are larger, more colonial style, as expected, but mainly the same A-Frames as in the California suburbs.  We had two snow storms, trapping us indoors for a few days at a time and the weather in the early months of summer was never consistent; Rainy one day and high 80s to 90s the next; almost as if it were bipolar and confused.  I didn’t witness anything fancy from the sky, other than F-16s flying over on a daily basis from NAS Oceana.  I visited the local Air Museum, considered volunteer as a tour guide in my spare time here, but opted to just hang out and attempt to settle in.  I became an American Legion Member, attended a few meetings, functions, and got involved in local Veteran’s initiatives.  I wasn’t pleased with opportunity in Virginia, nor was I pleased with conducting business with the City or the Commonwealth of Virginia, so I’ve decided to continue my journey to experience other states; states that I have not visited, that offer a part of American Political History and I will explore the land, learn more about the Louisiana Purchase and the History of Native Americans.  Human Intelligence:  still classified.

I did not take the time to revisit Colonial Williamsburg, but did travel up through the area for a meeting with the Veterans of Foreign Wars; we’ll call that good barbeque; nothing of higher intelligence.  I remember the tourist site didn’t vary much from what I’d already seen at Sutters Fort in California, not offering anything extraordinary about East Coast History.  I did spend about a month and some days in Western, Virginia near Roanoke enjoying the humid weather.  It was a more unique part of the state, offering some what of a historical feel combined with new modern buildings.  There was still a large oppressed population, but the city appeared to be thriving and evolving offering local Universities, Shopping Malls, Rivers, and Local Commerce.  I stayed with the Veteran population and found I lacked the ability to connect with them and left because of bad living conditions.  There doesn’t seem to be a healthy place for traveling veterans and that trip didn’t offer a sound chance of settling in to live and work.  Government programs are riddled with Red Tape, limiting access to anything worthwhile.  Even though the NASA school was a neighbor, I didn’t sense the presence as I’d hoped.  I could’ve stayed long term, but the population disgusted me.

I worked for a little while in Virginia Beach, in Government Risk Management Software, but it was old school, as if the industry had not evolved and certainly not up to par with the kind of commercial technology I’ve worked with.  I couldn’t bring myself to work with it, even though the clients were NAVAIR and NASA, I just laughed and gladly gave them my resignation.  I am aware of what the purpose of the PRO CONCEPT task was glad to have completed it, enjoyed the promise of weekly lunch, my own office, and access to all the greatest government clients, it just wasn’t what I hoped for.

Will I regret not visiting Long Island to at least see the Statue of Liberty in person?  Three hours in New York was enough for me.  I am only 41 and have nearly half my life left, so maybe I’ll save it for me and my prince charming when he decides to pick me up in his star wars jet.

I have no plans beyond this, other than to reduce my reliance on the Veteran population for as long as I can.  I will most likely want to continue my travels into Montana, Wyoming, and perhaps through the mountains of Colorado as weather and circumstances permit since I am heading out in July and these areas get heavy rains and snowstorms in the winter.  Internally, I’m sensing an unexciting trip.

Fine, I’ll head to Florida instead and enjoy the beach, Cape Canaveral and focus my attention on NASA instead of the old Louisiana Purchase.  Perhaps a year there will better equip me for a trip up to the Dakota’s where I may find more appreciation in Mount Rushmore.  Let’s just hope I don’t get abducted by a Cuban, eaten by a Crocodile, or destroyed by a hurricane.

I better see some evidence of Time Travel, Astrophysics, and Intelligent Life forms or you have in fact found a better planet, left me, and I’m just waiting in line to be the next in flight.  Obviously I have more information to gather before I can leave the planet.  I will do some research, focus more on the moon and less on the Civil and Cyber Wars, but I need a promise of safety, security, and room to explore past, present, and future.

So, my plans are set:  Florida to focus on Space and Time Travel.  Maybe at some point I’ll be able to write about all of the exciting things you’ve shown me in intelligence, star wars, naval communications, and space travel.

Now I have something to look forward to.

Dodging Bullets

Who me?  Never.  Yes, I’ve dodged plenty of bullets.  I missed one by about 2 inches during my sleep one night in a gunfight in the next room.  Not longer after that, I found myself caught in the midst of two young men in a fight at school walking through the line of fire with a weapon drawn.  A few years later, I dodged what seemed to have been a gun at a mall with laser targeting. Maybe it was a joke, but pretty real to someone becoming used to dodging bullets.  I’ll never forget being at friend’s party in high school when she pulled out her Dad’s shotgun to chase off bad boys at the party who were fighting.  I wasn’t more than two steps away from her in her rage, deciding if I should take the gun from her or just stand back and hope no one got shot.  As a little girl, my brother and I ran from an angry farmer who had weapons to protect his cornfield.  I also dodged my brother’s 22 rifle in fear it would go off and kill me, but since he never actually pointed it at me and fired, I guess that can’t be considered dodging a bullet.

I’ve also dodged bomb threats, anthrax, and other forms of weapons used by the enemy. As a child, I enjoyed shooting weapons at cans out by the lake, never fearing I’d be shot accidentally, but always aware it could occur.

I had an abusive boyfriend that carried an AK-47 who threatened to kill me, but he never pointed it at me or followed through, but I’ve had my experience with weapons and madmen.  I’m still here writing about it.  I dodged a bullet a few years ago in Arizona when a gun went off that looked like a drive by.  I ran and slid under a car to protect myself, waiting for the gunman to come out; running in the house to protect myself.

I’ve had my share of stalkers, encounters with murderers, and madmen, psychopaths, and abusive personalities, enough to know when to keep my distance.  I guess since I’ve had so many near death experiences I have less fear of it.  I have more fear walking in the back of horse than I do being shot by random gunman.

Studying ballistics in school was fun; to understand trajectory, bullet removal, forensics, gun laws, registrations, background checks, school shootings, and the stigma the poor mental health community deals with because people don’t understand illness and weaponry.

I’ve never owned a weapon, or used one to protect myself, other than a set of keys or knives.  If I was attacked, I don’t think I would be able to use them properly to defend myself and would most likely upset the attacker causing more harm than good.  If I did carry a weapon, I’d want to be reassured that I could use it without a 20 year court trial and the possibility of life in prison.  God knows I’d use it to protect myself.

I carried an M-16 daily for 8 weeks straight and I’ve had the pleasure of firing whatever the tanks major weapon was; causing an explosion a mile away.  I take pride in this and enjoyed seeing them in action.  I’ll admit, I do like weapons.

Sibling Rivalry

I only have limited knowledge of sibling rivalry and it’s based on growing up with brothers in a large extended family of aunts and uncles on both sides.  My other experience involves observing other childhood friends and adults as they grow up with brothers and sisters, and a comparison to the show “Brothers and Sisters.”

I don’t recall much competition between me and my brother until we were in our mid twenties.  We were only a couple of years apart, so naturally we had an unspoken competition and natural competitive streak in sports, life, and business.  It didn’t often affect our relationships, other than the occasional comment of “college vs. no college” or hopes for success in business.  I think it’s safe to say, we didn’t suffer from sibling rivalry, but we didn’t spend all of our childhood years under the same roof and we weren’t in business together, like our Dad’s and Mom’s.  We used to play racquetball which was the extent of our competition, although secretly I did feel some competition in family success, but more so a comparison of how I turned out vs. how he turned in terms of family success.  We’ve all had our failures.

In childhood, I do somewhat remember trying to be my mom or dad’s favorite, but I don’t remember trying to be better than my brother.  I looked up to my big brother to learn from or to be beat up or deceived by; never feeling like I was unliked, but happy to be a little sister growing up with my big brother and his friends.

Where does the term sibling rivalry come from and is it no longer in use?  It was used back in the 80s and 90s to describe the competition between siblings and was meant to show how children compete for parental attention, something we didn’t really have to deal much with in our teenage years.  Perhaps as a child we competed for mom or dad’s attention by tattling or by trying to be better behaved or more awesome at sports than our sibling, but nothing in my mind is imprinted as bad or good in this department.

One thing that is memorable and worthy of writing about is my observation of my parents’ sibling rivalry.  As a child, I often observed my Mother in competition with her Sister for parental and brotherly acceptance.  They often fought, one trying to be better than the other.  They worked in the same field, so I observed their rivalries in the field of waitressing; to see who was more likable and better at her job in the eyes of the community.  It did not seem to be present in my Mom’s Brother’s; although they worked together.  They seemed to have more of a teachable and brotherly mentality rather than a desire to be better than one another.

My stepdad had a brother and some rivalry was present there and he would often times remind us not to think we’re better than anyone else.  His brother was gay; so it was a good lesson in treating people with kindness and respect and not trying to prove one is better than the other; no matter how different they might be.  Something my brothers lack now.

In later life, I observed my Dad’s sibling rivalry with his brother in business.  I don’t have much to say other than there always seems to be one that tried to prove he or she is better and one that just sits back and observes the behavior, sometimes joining in on the competition in building or creating a successful life, but they’ve all ended in marital failures or financial setbacks.  I found many Brothers have a very difficult time working together.

I don’t know who created the term sibling rivalry, but I just didn’t see it present in my family and if it was, it wasn’t welcomed or accepted.  I do recall an aunt and an uncle on my Dad’s side often comparing herself to my Dad, attempting prove they were better than him, which made me angry, but I learned it was their own way of gaining parental adoration; something my Dad chose to let go of at an early age.  Perhaps it was their way of gaining my respect or their odd style of reassuring me that I was going to be okay without my Dad since I had them.  I don’t know, but I guess it was sibling rivalry.

In the show “Brothers and Sisters” they owned a family business and some sibling rivalry was present to gain the Mother’s approval or acceptance.  I only watched a few episodes of the business drama to see how they interacted and what the main premise was, but found the show was mainly about who has a problem with who today and how does the mom feel about it.

I guess no family is complete without some form of sibling rivalry.

Tell me about your mom

I used to laugh at psychologists for this.  Like, why do I have to talk about my mom, mainly because I’d already done enough self-analysis to resolve my mom problems.  Then I started to see my friends’ coming to me with their mom and dad problems.  I guess I hated it because they seemed so powerless in their problem solving.  So unaware of their own personal power and self inflicted pain, but was grateful that they decided to share, not so I could relate to past mom hurts or dysfunctional families but because of their willingness to talk and share.  It wasn’t until I saw one completely shut down when trying to talk about her family; as if she was fearful of a discussion.  When I’d talk to my psychologist, I would just tell them that I had issues in the past with my Mother, but accepted her flaws, prayed for her, kept my distance, helped her when I could, and didn’t really dwell on childhood dramas.  When she was in my vicinity, I was her friend; able to compare me to her, feeling a sense of unspoken self pride, not pity, anger or resentment for her decisions, thanks to self-analysis.

I reviewed other’s relationships with their Mother’s and listened to their thoughts.  Two felt in competition with their Mother’s and Mother In Laws.  One hated that her Mother often compared herself to her daughter and even vocalized that her mother was pessimistic, not recognizing her own patterns of pessimism in work, marriage, and social engagements.  She conveyed a need to feel accepted by her Mother in Law, communicated fears of not being liked, as well as discontent with her new marriage in a similar fashion as with her previous one.  She wasn’t aware she was in full negative complaint mode, unable to speak about the positive things she saw in a man or even her Mother.  I often had to reassure her that her Mother was a nice person and must be if she was willing to entertain her conversations and visits.  She must’ve enjoyed her company, but she could never compliment her.  She talked about her sisters and their life challenges about how they were not like her and how her youngest sister made bad marital decisions, never connecting with her own bad decisions.

One was being trampled on by her Mother during wedding planning, while the other allowed no motherly involvement in planning or if she did, she didn’t share it or lead me to believe it.  She handled everything herself.

The other one spoke about family dysfunction and difficulty with her Mother, Father, and Mother In Law.  She had a stronger personality but was struggling with being a Mother with a Father on deployment, suffering from occasional bouts of depression.  She had difficulty with the Father’s family, although in the vicinity of her and her child, they failed to follow through on the child’s 1st birthday or promises to care for the child while she worked.  All I could ever do was try to be there for them and apologize for the problems she was experiencing, reassuring her that her husband would return safely; that she was a good mother.  I was really shocked when she shared drug abuse problems and became very concerned when she told me she was moving to an area where there was cocaine use after she and her husband got out of the military; mainly because she had been open to using drugs in the past and also spoke excitingly about her willingness to use; even after having a child.  She was very guarded of her child and herself.  She presented as strong willed, but I observed an abusive tendency toward herself and her husband.  They’ve gone on to have 3 children, stating she became a full time student pursuing her Master’s degree.  I wasn’t sure if she was lying because she had described her living arrangement as being out in a remote location with a city being many miles away.  I felt I could no longer trust in what she said, but still felt a natural concern for her and her children which was never presented as being mutual.

They both talked of financial woes, relying on the Mother In Laws to help them out.

These two somewhat resembled my own Mother.  Strong willed, a negative complainer, and powerless in her surroundings.  I didn’t rely on them as Mother figures, but sometimes felt I was a Motherly role for them.

I feel bad for the one’s that use their mother’s to solve their marital problems, engaging them in their own love quarrels not realizing it, but alienating them from their other half.  Although it seems right to draw upon your Mother’s expertise in relationship advice, it creates a family barrier that is difficult to overcome.   Especially because you’re asking your parent to take sides in your family dispute, potentially creating a problem down the road in family gatherings and perceptions.  It might be considered the same in using a sister or a brother, yet different, since it’s a different relationship dynamic. Relying on a brother or sister to help solve a marital problem puts them in also in an awkward position, yet helpful in seeing another point of view from a trusted advisor.

If a woman is married and still attached to her Mother, unable to solve her own problems, relying on Mother to solve them, then she has not yet become a woman.  If a man has to rely on his Father to solve marital problems, he too has not yet become a man.  Parent’s love it when their children contact them to solve problems, as it makes them feel needed, important, something they might have been missing for sometime.  It’s not a bad thing to confide in parents or look to them to solve problems, but you must exercise caution considering their past experiences, lack of lessons learned, or their own cycles of bad decision making.  Involving them in your love life and financial problems is like inviting them into the intimate part of your marriage.

I once knew this lady that was entered into marriage and rarely had a day without Mother, Sister, or In-Law contact.  Their marriage crumbled, most likely due to the familial interference or inability to build their own lives without family support.  While combining families is the main goal, it must be done so with boundaries and planning to create a new family with healthy Fatherly or Motherly attachments.  Parent’s of new married couples need to be financial supporters or champions and prepare to become grandparents or friends, not marital counselors and critics of their new son or daughter in laws.  Some don’t know when to go home and let go of their children learn to build their own lives without Mother or Father interference, limiting their child’s ability to establish their own family and identity.  Too much Mother and Father influence in a new marriage or family makes a new married couple still feel like children and the new family may have difficulty creating the life they want rather than redoing the life they grew up with.  Not all families follow in the parental footsteps, but the point I’m trying to make is Parental Attachments with new married couples requires change and adaptation, just like adoption.

Financial Family Support is a dangerous but sometimes a necessary evil in achieving success; often harming the ego of man or woman because they don’t have the means necessary to succeed without them.  It gets dangerous when a man is in debt to his wife’s family; as it eats away at his ego and internal well-being, making him feel like he can’t be a bread winner or provide for his family on his own, as expected by society.  The man has to be smart enough to decide if it was the woman pushing him in this direction because of her inability to detach from her own mother or family and become an independent woman of a new family.

It certainly is a period of growing and learning how to separate oneself from the old and from the new and can be very difficult when adults are still stuck to their parents, especially when Mom’s or Dad’s become territorial over the child they ‘gave away’ in marriage.  They often times forget that they have to give them up and let them go their own way, even if it means financial disaster.

If you’re trying to buy a home and build a business and decide to rely on family to get there, it’s not going to be without a price; whether it’s a threat to a man’s ego to satisfy the woman’s desire in home-ownership and building a family or if it’s just merely a financial loan.  It places people in a feeling of inferiority where they make up for it by putting in more effort to attain success, independent of the family.  They naturally seek approval by the family and feel bad if they can’t provide it themselves.  If the family offering financial support doesn’t abuse the new family, then it could be successful, but it depends upon the dynamics and how the woman or man or parents view the familial support.

It should be a joy for parents to contribute to the success of their child’s marriage.  It only becomes problematic when either party abuses the financial provider or holds it over their head to use it as a tool during a period of marital dysfunction.  Ideally, if I had to borrow money from an in-law to purchase a home, then I’d have a contract with terms, separate from access to the future children, access to the home being purchased, being certain that boundaries between in-laws and the married family are known and secure so no one gets taken advantage of.  It’s important to maintain confidentiality and trust in the marital relationship, knowing that your new wife or husband is not going to run to the parent’s to solve disputes without first working it out within the marriage in both emotional and financial matters.  Some people think because they gave birth to a kid even if it’s been 40 years they have superiority and some also think because they contributed financially to the success of the household that they can come and go as they please and have influence over the estate.

You might be familiar with the woman that secretly calls her dad for a ten thousand dollar loan because her husband’s business is failing.  She didn’t tell her husband what she was going to do, so naturally the husband becomes angry because it was his job to prevent it or get them out of the disaster.  She robbed her husband of an opportunity to save the family from financial ruin and proved she didn’t know how to effectively communicate and problem solve as a family unit.

I observed a family where the number of in-laws was greatly imbalanced.  The young woman in the new marriage was very close to her family; her Mother lived close to her and after marriage became a daily fixture in their lives, providing financial and grandmother support.  It seemed like a healthy dynamic at first, until I observed the Mother’s interference and close involvement in the marriage; it seemed out of bounds.  I also listened to her discontent about her new husbands’ need to discuss his absent Mother; a comment made by a woman that couldn’t see her own unhealthy attachment to her Mother.

I sensed the man was well liked and accepted by the family, but I also sensed his pressure to provide for them, as well as the stress of the Mother’s presence, either due to her criticisms or her daughters’ inability to become an independent woman.  While, daughters benefit from their Mother’s during child rearing, it is best if they perform as a grandmother and not a financial benefactor or a hired hand and the same goes for the son-in-law.  Space is most important because if the grandmother is intertwined in the family’s everyday life then the family has no room to grow and build an independent life without “motherly” oversight.  A man gets enough of that from a woman.  What is perplexing is the grown women’s need for each other and what is an ideal  level of involvement in the lives of her children and grandchildren.  To put it bluntly, if you are in your twenties, thirties, or fourties, and your Mother or Mother In Law is a daily part of your life; something might be wrong.  Some may view this as not being a family oriented kind of person, but some may realize the importance of independence in family dynamics, necessary to break cycles of past abuse or just grow into a healthy adult without daily parental influence.

Communication and Money are the two biggest reasons marriages fail.  So are in-laws.

Influencing People

Dale Carnegie says “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.”  Naturally, I disagree.  To avoid an argument shows cowardess, a disrespect for onself and the other seeking to convey a point or a necessary conversation where a dispute is required to resolve a disagreement.  Arguments, when done correctly, can help a friendship grow by leaps and bounds.  If done with respect and in moderation, hidden viewpoints can come to the surface that may have been needed and not seen before and a deeper respect can be developed for sharing thoughts, opinions and feelings in a respectful way. Friendships can grow in knowledge, understanding, and enjoyment when solutions are discovered and put into action.  If a person holds in all discontentment, not sharing what is bothering them out of fear of an argument, then the problem either goes away in time or one side settles without argument, without being heard and if this continues in a pattern, one might feel unimportant, unable to express their viewpoints, like a doormat and can also be viewed by the other party as weak, unable to express a solid opinion due to fear or insecurity.

It’s no secret that some just enjoy arguing, tearing away at another’s self esteem to point out flaws, on a constant path of complaining to get what they want.  It’s up to the other person to decide if they will give in by changing, by not saying a word, or by arguing.  Arguing can be healthy, as it offers a chance to improve or make someone else happier, or a chance to be stubborn and inattentive to what is being said or what the other person dislikes.  Mr. Carnegie has recommendations for arguing, most of which I agree with, which is to welcome and appreciate the disagreement or the fact that the other person has taken the time out to point out the issue; managing reaction so not to fire off on the defense, but to listen to what is being said, checking oneself for truth, and defending your personal opinion or your own viewpoints with respect and tact; staying on course, addressing the specific issues so it can be an effective argument with an actual solution and not just yelling and screaming with no outcome other than to yell nonsense.  Looking for areas of agreements, solutions, honesty, and taking time to think it over.

I’ve argued exhaustively with boyfriends, but not really friends.  It’s a different dynamic because the friend goes home or to their room to take in what was said; they may consult other friends or family to validate their position, and they may decide the opposing view has no point and may not even bother to follow back up to resolve the dispute; leaving it open, allowing the friendship to end on that note.  A good healthy argument takes both sides into consideration, views external conditions, and can see if the person is conjuring up stuff because of other life issues or is “taking it out on you” because it is a safe place for them or the person sees what is disliked and is open to changing it, if it’s within their power to do so.  Some may just agree to disagree and walk away having a better understanding of acceptance of that person or a better understanding of why that person does what they do.

“Show respect for a person, never say “you’re wrong.”  I don’t mind hearing I’m wrong, as long as you have presented an argument based on facts or can communicate and control your emotions, along with a clear understanding of purpose and meaning in what you are after in the argument.  If it is an argument about how I made you feel, well then I need specific circumstances, situations, and examples before I can even apologize or understand what I need to do to protect your feelings again.  Dr. Phil says no one can make anyone feel a certain way!  I never understood this, but I think he was trying to say it’s your choice how you feel, it’s not up to anyone else, so in that, I can’t blame someone for hurting my feelings, but I can say, I didn’t like when you said this to me; or I’d rather you didn’t speak to me in that tone or say bad things about me.  If someone said this to me, I’d have to know exactly what I said and I’d need an opportunity to decide if it’s worth defending or apologizing.  Maybe they deserved it at the time and were so screwed up in their thinking.  Personally I’d prefer to hear something like “I think you’re wrong and here’s why I think so.”  If I value that person’s friendship and opinions, I might be open minded to listen to another way, but if the style of argument is just an attack without purpose and intent to help, then I can’t even engage in it.

There are a million things people can argue about and it all boils down to the fact that one person is not happy, so the goal is to make the other person happy by figuring out what it is.  Some people don’t know what made them unhappy, but find something to satisfy the need to argue.  They may have been previously angry about one thing, choosing to verbalize another thing because that is what is one their mind at the time.  So if friends find themselves in a constant pattern of unhappiness and arguments, they might want to take space and spend time apart where they can then decide if they truly value the friendship.  After taking time apart, they might realize they were relying on their friend to solve an internal problem that they themselves had the power to solve and were using their friend to project feelings onto or using their friend to solve their own inner deficiency.  The possibilities are endless, but just remember, friendships are not built on arguments; although they may occur and you can grow from them, they are not enjoyable conversations and can end up in fights and end the relationship.

Before you can begin to influence a person or win them over to your way of thinking, you must have a purpose in mind and a valid reason.  Some friends influence your thinking in a very negative way, to include dragging you down into their style of living, their negative mindset, or their way of life because they believe need companionship or your approval to feel better about themselves or the friendship.  Peer influences can be healthy or dangerous depending upon the strength of a person and the friendship in longevity can sway a person’s mind changing their beliefs, values, internal self worth, and likability of another person.  An argument is not required to change the beliefs of a person or to change the way a person interacts.  Usually tactful discussions might work if the person’s opinion is valued and honored; an important ingredient in a true friendship. If one’s opinion is not valued or welcomed, then what is the purpose of the friendship?  If you can’t agree to disagree or adapt to meet the friends’ need, then they are no longer of value and the friendship or complaint holds no worth.

I hate it when you…
I feel like this when you….
You don’t seem to care when …
I don’t feel important to you…
I don’t like it when you…

Some people can address their problems directly, others indirectly, hinting around at problem areas, hoping for change.  Some choose avoidance because the amount of dislikes or discontent in a person is not worth the energy required to change it.  Some don’t feel they have the power or right to change another person or vocalize areas of discontent.

I had this one friend that didn’t enjoy combining drinking with other social activities like camping and dancing.  Because of this, she appeared boring, less fun, so instead of telling her I wish she’d drink more and complain less, I respected her ability to go out without a reliance on alcohol and found other friends that enjoyed the kinds of fun that I enjoyed. I certainly wasn’t going to try to get her to drink more just because I enjoyed drinking, so I resolved it in my mind that we enjoyed activities differently; seeking out friends that could do the same.  We would go to movies and have lunch, talking about all of the fun I was having, while she complained about her married life.  I watched our friendship silently erode as we became friends with others.  Ultimately, the friendship died because of boredom and her inability to engage in fun activities or because we found others.  I didn’t bother to tell her about our differences, but remained friends in other settings, finding some value and satisfaction at various times.  It died when longevity and help in a time of need was not there.  Could I have turned her into a party goer, a more upbeat, and exciting person that didn’t get in the bathtub at 7pm everynight?  I suppose I could’ve, but it would’ve taken work.  Could I have communicated to her that I was tired of hearing her complain about her financial problems and showed her how stupid she looked when she complained about her husbands’ spending one day and went on an Anne Kline Shopping spree the next time we’d hang out?  I could’ve said a lot of things, but I chose not to, in order to protect her feelings but I decided to sit back and observe her obsession with possessions instead.

Dale says to begin in a friendly empathetic way and focus on things where you agree instead of where you differ.  I suppose that works to a point, unless you find that everything differs, then you are forced to interact where you agree or there is no friendship.

I think about my friend who used to complain about her life everytime we’d meet. I wondered if I somehow played a role in her style of communications.  As in, if I had a problem I needed her help with, I’d ask her, and then after we’d discuss it; I’d ask her how her marriage was going in an open ended way.  She’d begin to share her problems.  I wondered why she didn’t ever start off on a happy note, like yes, we’re doing so good, I am finally so happy or we’re planning a vacation and we’re really excited about buying our new house; but because the past complaints about their finances and the struggle was there, perhaps her negativity and approach to marital success was what caused the dislike.  She often complained of her husbands overspending and then the next week or two, she’d come back with news that they’ve decided to buy a house or a new car.  She caused a lot of confusion; especially in the beginning of their relationship; coming out of another marriage riddled with problems and unhappiness.  I guess the lesson to be learned was be careful how you share your problems and make sure you communicate your plans for solving them so it’s not a dumping session and shock in the next meeting. I recall wanting to reach out and slap her so many times; like, why can’t you see the good in people and communicate what is happy instead of what is bad?  Try this, ‘my husband is doing great at work, I’m so proud of him and since he’s gotten a raise, we can finally afford to buy a new house.  I’ve been spending a lot of time cutting pictures out of magazines and made this album of dream homes and we’re really excited that it’s becoming reality.”  Now that’s an exciting conversation!!!!  Rather than, we have to ask my Mother in Law for some money and he’s an overspender, buying unnecessary things, I just don’t think we’re going to be able to be happy in the house we’re living in since his mom owns it.  (SHE HAD MOM PROBLEMS BEFORE).  It’s not a problem to share problems, you just have to do it optimistically or vocalize that you’re having difficulty being optimistic about it; then your friend will encourage you and be aware if you’re stuck in a pattern of negativity or self abuse.

So, it’s how you say things and communicate your situation that matters.  For example:  I really enjoy my new single life.  I went out on a few dates already, but I’m not sure it’s what I’m looking for, but I’m certainly having fun in the process.  Rather than, I am so broke from partying every weekend and so unhappy at work and my single life that I am considering leaving the area to go back home and establish roots; something I am already aware of and am not looking for advice on until I make an announcement.  AS YOU SEE, I can’t form a negative sentence about my lifestyle without offering my friend my solution and asking their opinion on what I plan to do.  Even though my friend knew me before I was single, I didn’t dwell on past problems.  If I complained, I would offer my self-optimism before I left my friend, saying I know it’s just a temporary rut because I don’t want to leave my friend feeling like she has to pull me out of a negative situation or leave her feeling bad and worrying for me.


Instant Likability

On Facebook, you can purchase likability.  You can even go out and gather friends from your past and from joining new groups and you can post things other people are interested in.  Dale Carnegie says to “radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the person in return.”

When someone walks in a room with a smile, you can just feel the happiness radiating and it results in instant likability.  Carnegie says there is a Human Law that must never be broken:  To make others feel important.  I have to agree, until I met someone undeserving and expecting of being treated that way regardless of how he or she treated others.  So at the onset, the beginning of the relationship, it’s easy to make someone feel important and it’s okay to decide later that they aren’t.  In friendships, people want to feel like they matter, like they are top priority, and that they have your attention when needed because it is really you that is important to them.

He says you want your associates to be ‘lavish in their praises.’  I have to disagree.  Have you ever been so over praised you just want to smack them in the face and say “wake up” stop kissing my behind because it’s annoying.  Or been so underpraised and underappreciated that you want storm into their office and tell them all of the great things you’ve done for them and show them how angry you are for their lack of recognition?  Being over and under appreciated is a difficult place to be in, so being likable is not about giving a person everything they want and need; it’s about a perfect chemistry between people where both people give what is needed and both people feel content with the amount of attention and appreciation they are getting.  It’s also about sensing and feeling the other person’s thoughts and feelings or being able to talk openly about problems, resolving conflict, and encouraging a person to reach their highest potential without fear that they might surpass you in knowledge, success, and power.  Smiling when your friend does something awesome or better than you and then competing to improve yourself or situation without jealousy or resentment.  I think instant likability is when you meet someone and they are pleasing to the eye, the mind, and even your heart.  They are instantly likable.  I’ve met some not so pleasing to the eye kind of people and they are not instantly likable; it takes time to get to know their personality and then they become likable.  So we teach ourselves to get passed personal appearances and give people a chance to become likable, by honing in on traits that we enjoy, whether it’s pretty eyes, a smile, the way they say good morning or how they show genuine interest or make an effort to be your friend.

It’s easy to make someone feel important or special when in a position of power and authority.  Sometimes to just stop and address that person by name could change their day, leading them to feel important or noticed.  It could very well change that person’s mind about their career path or on the opposite side, no attention could cause them to leave and not like you as a leader because you didn’t take the time out to even get to know their name.  Yes, every member that is part of a team is important, some more important at other times, but all are important at some point.  Importance and Appreciation in business is not the same practice in the world of friendships, although similar in that it takes time and attention to grow a friendship, but it must be quality, healthy time and attention and it must breed feelings of happiness, comfort, companionship in order to be good a person.  Sometimes people remain friends and spend time together because they are all they have and don’t want to go out and make new friends, so they put up with the bad parts of their friend and try to get appreciation or feelings of importance in some way.  This can be dangerous and troublesome, like a bad toxic relationship where needs are not being met, yet the people hang around hoping for change.

So while instant likability is good and possible, long term friendships with depth require healthy interaction, encouragement, empathy, fun, positive feelings, reinforcement, reward, and sometimes tears to maintain.

In the beginning of a friendship to gain instant likability, it might be beneficial to get to know a little bit about a person by doing some research.  Perhaps you learned their name from someone else and overheard that they grow a vegetable garden on weekends.  To introduce yourself to this person, you might call them by name and catch them at a time when it appears they have a minute or two to lightly talk about their garden and offer a compliment if it feels natural and not pressured.  People notice when you have rehearsed a conversation, so you’ll want to keep that in mind when meeting.  The point is, you want to meet that person, you want to establish a common ground with that person, you want that person to be your friend, so you might engage in light conversation and later ask them if they’d like to go garden shopping with you or if you can come check out their garden.  Something where you can spend quality time together to talk more about each other.

I remember a few times, introducing myself to people in business with the hopes of “networking” and I didn’t know where to begin.  I would tell them my name and mention what project or program I knew they were working on and ask questions to get them to talk about their work, waiting for them to show interest in mine or talking about mine as the conversation would lead to it.  I never hoped to gain anything other than meeting someone and maybe later having a contact in that area of work if needed.  Initially it was like standing up in front of a stadium and giving a speech without clothes on, but that’s because I was shy.  I got over the fear the more I did it, even if sometimes it did feel rehearsed or like I was trying to gain something from it.  Of course I was, but often times I didn’t know what that would be going into it.  Sometimes it resulted in learning things that I was better off not knowing and sometimes it was wishing I’d never even met that person, but the point was to learn how to meet new people and engage in conversation in new surroundings.  Now it’s like common place, very easy to get to know people, but being decisive and selective who I choose to let know me.

In Dale’s book, he often tells stories about conversations and encounters with named people like Presidents, prominent businessmen, using their names and talking about his experience with them.  I found it irritating and self serving.  I realize he was trying to establish credibility for his work, but was perhaps trying to use his relationships to make the reader see his importance and prestige by knowing and being able to use these figures as a reference.  I imagine myself in business and referring to my colleagues by name or accomplishment to convey a point and in doing so, I am aware this may project a sense of superiority and importance to the listener, but there is a part of me that finds it self serving and unnecessary.  It’s almost like riding on the coattails of another man’s success, using their prestige and name recognition while trying to establish your own; creating a natural negative response in my mind.  It would make sense if I was purposefully trying to promote their works to increase their appreciation or to gain appreciation for my knowledge and relationships with these people.  Really it’s a way of saying, “I know popular, smart, influential people, what do you think of me?”

I remember a girl I worked with.  We were in very different positions, me having access to all of the top professionals (not deep relationships) and I’d rarely use their names unless I felt I could really use them to help someone, but because I talked about meeting certain Rock Stars or being in a certain position, she called me a “namedropper.” Internally, I had to question if I was misusing their names and power to emit an aura of superiority that might make one feel less important, but I resolved that this person resorted to name calling as a means to show she was resentful or perhaps jealous of my position and access to people.  I took an internal assessment to check my motives and use of people’s names to make sure I was following purposeful referencing or referrals to help and not to make one feel less important.  I couldn’t help that I did have access to those people and that I could help another person fulfill their career wishes and could show them how to do so, but I couldn’t stand the unnecessary backlash for being in such a position.  I had to question the nature of my friendship with this person to see if she was projecting an ideal that I was not like her or on her level or that she was not like me and on my level or if both of us were simply retarded.  Either way, it was about trying to be friends with someone in a professional setting that struggled with me as a person as a whole because the longer we were friends, her jealousy eminated in other settings, such as boyfriends and on projects.  I was shocked to be called a ‘namedropper’ which created an awareness of the use of people’s names as a reference, being watchful that I did not use them to gain approval or acceptance from another person.

Using someone’s name where you have common knowledge of that person is not a bad thing.  It’s how it is used and what is discussed that matters.  It’s either to give appreciation, to show who lead you, taught you, guided you, or to refer someone to someone else to find an answer or improve.  References and professional contacts are used to show levels of importance, interaction, and to get assistance.  For example, tell them Bob sent you.  Yes, sir, Bob sent me.  Oh, you know Bob, yep, he’s a great guy and tells me you might have what I’m looking for.  Great, we have a common ground and you both must be awesome because you know Bob.

Being Genuinely Interested

Dale Carnegie says “If you want others to like you, if you want to develop genuine friendships, and help others at the same time you help yourself, you must become genuinely interested in other people.”  He’s saying you must show genuine interest in a person.  So, by asking questions, engaging in meaningful conversation to learn about them, what they like, dislike, who they are, where they’re from shows genuine interest.  He also says to make a good first impression, don’t criticize, but give appreciation and praise, greeting people with a smile.  He says happiness does not depend upon outward conditions, but inner conditions.  I’m pretty sick of kissing people’s asses to get what I want.

I’ve always been a kindhearted, smiley person, even if I’m unhappy on the inside.  Something in me lately has me feeling extremely unhappy, dissatisfied with what life has to offer in Society, my living arrangements, the mirror, and my own mind.  I still greet acquaintances with a smile, with a sense of internal superiority translated as self confidence, but I’m not as conversational as I used to be, I guess because I’ve been dealing with such a lower level of life forms; surrounded by Mental Health patients, forced to live on a limited paycheck, with no real chance of taking all of my knowledge and wisdom and putting it to use in the workforce or society.  It doesn’t help that I often hear voices from dead people, people from the past, and have still not yet reconciled if I am truly communicating with living beings or if I have developed full fledged schizophrenia.  As I battle with the voices, visions, and conversations, feelings of anger pile up, along with resentment, frustration and expectation of change.  Years of this have gone by and no changes have been made, other than to observe even more mental head cases that cause more hate and discontent in my environment.  So my goal has been to not let internal and external conditions affect my daily interaction and view of life and the future.  A difficult task, especially when I read books by Best Selling Authors that say things like “happiness depends upon inner conditions.”  As much as I try to control the inner dialog and take over, attempting to create my understanding of reality vs. my imagination, I give up because sometimes the voices are too powerful, too evil.

I feel like I’ve reached a point in life where I’ve seen all I can see, achieved all I will ever achieve and will not be able to put my ideals into practice in the real world.  It’s not pessimism or lack of will that makes me feel like life beyond today is not going to be a happy and positive endeavor, but it’s more so as if I have already witnessed the greatest gift and loss of all, experienced an awakening, and can’t seem to get excited for a new future since my past is still unresolved.  It might also be because of severe disappointment in dealing with nasty members of society, fear that there is nothing better than what I’ve already experienced or fear of the emptiness I will find even if I did settle in somewhere new with decent people.  It’s almost as if I’m just biding my time left on earth, waiting for yet another miracle that can only temporarily satisfy my mind and my pocketbook.  What is to come of a girl who sees many solutions, but can’t do anything to bring it to reality.  What is to come of the girl who sees beyond the daily life of work, eating, exercising, sex, and raising kids.  What is to come of the girl that speaks to the dead?

So, while I believe a smile, a good first impression, and being genuinely interested will help build a good relationship, I am still not confident one exists in human form that offers depth, trust, and satisfaction that I seek.  Just like I don’t think there is a working position on earth that offers professional satisfaction mainly due to system issues, personnel barriers, love losses, and the lonely life I am forced to lead.

Mr. Carnegie also says to be a good conversationalist and active listener.  I’ve found myself these days not wanting to listen, tired of hearing the same old stories, situations, processes, problems, complaints, and garbage.  I get tired of ‘conversating’ and tired of trying to communicate my past, my skills, my abilities, my experience, my background, my history, my plans, my hopes, etc.  I’ve always been a pretty decent conversationalist, able to engage in just about any topic of discussion, not self serving, quiet in many instances of politics and religion, acting as more of a conversational stimulator, rather than a conveyor of ideas unless I’m well informed and confident in a subject.  I’ve grown passed discussions of politics, religion, societies problems, inventions, and can really only talk about how I want things to be, with my hands tied because of financial and environmental limitations.  It’s almost as if mentally, I live in a dream world of possibilities, but restricted by reality and complications.

He says to encourage other people to talk about themselves.  I used to do this regularly to understand a person’s past, their strengths, desires, but lately, I’ve disengaged because I have heard so much non-sense come from the mouths of humans that I am disgusted.  I would’ve gladly had a conversation with my Dentist, but they wouldn’t honor my groupon for a teeth cleaning, nor would they budge on the price of fixing my smile; a $2,000 procedure that cost only $60 twenty years ago.  So I guess Mr. Carnegie was right, people do only care about themselves and a superior communicator’s job is to encourage their self serving ego to win them over by complimenting them and showing genuine interest, even if it takes all the will in the world.  I suppose it’s back to “fake it til’ you make it” or just do it until you reach a point of personal satisfaction from engaging with others in conversation and activity.

His book is about Winning Friends and Influencing People and unfortunately, people need their Ego’s massaged before they can consider someone else’s needs.  A sick population indeed or maybe just another step in the early development of a relationship; without showing interest in someone, they will not feel like they are important and everyone wants to feel important.  Why didn’t my Dentist Office help me feel important when I asked for a bargain or discount for services?  The problem is that the world of goods and services no longer care about how you feel.  They’ve already established needs in goods and services for your pain, suffering, or inability to use their services no longer matters since they met their bottom line.  It’s all about profit.  Your smile is unimportant, just like your past, your future, and your opinion about the metal sharp objects they use to check your teeth for decay.  Just ask, I will tell you how my teeth feel; but no they have to use painful tactics to see for themselves.  Anyone can feel their teeth decaying; it does not require a sharp object on your teeth and gums to prove pain.  So, being a good conversationalist, doesn’t help throughout the course of business.  I told them my financial limitations and desires, yet they still performed a consultation as if I were going to purchase a world of follow on services, not even offering a situational discount for a simple procedure; proving Society’s smile was not as important as Business Revenue.  It was like they didn’t even hear me.  A sick world.

Has it happened?  Have I reached full maturity and am on the downward slope of life now seeing what it was all about being fully disappointed and now socially incapable of rebuilding my life, gaining financial freedom, and starting new relationships because of a major loss in business and family?  I already knew aging would be a difficult passage in life, growing old, the chance of loneliness, poverty, sickness, and when I look in the mirror, I still feel young, vibrant, like I could reinvent myself and still have time to become a millionaire.  I just don’t want to.  I’ve lost the zest for life because I won’t let myself get involved with romance and building a family.  It is because I have a child out there and can’t let go of the past hurt, drama, and awareness of a flawed system.  It is because I am still hurt and am not being heard by the people I used to consider friends and family.  It is because I have been abandoned and left for dead.

So, for me to be genuinely interested is easy; anything to get me out of my own head, but I’ve got to change my environment; get somewhere that is pleasing to the eye, the heart, and the mind.  I can’t fake interest, just like I can’t fake happiness.

How to get people to like you

Mr. Dale Carnegie says that all people are interested in themselves, making me dislike his writing style and angle.  I simply disagree.  People have a natural genuine interest in others if they have the time and room for it.  Some people seek out to hate people simply because they are lacking in self love, appreciation, or just in a bad place in life, but generally people want to like others, but certain standards prevent everyone from being liked and accepted.

To be liked, you must be likable.  People must enjoy being around you, whether it’s because you are pleasing to the eye, funny, encouraging, or just make them feel good.  You don’t have to do anything other than to be kind, smile, and be open to making a new friend.  If you’re not open, then the person that wants you to like them may persist and find ways to get your attention and if it’s a healthy way, they just might make you like them.  It’s all boils down to time and effort.  If they both have the time and enough effort is made, then it’s possible.  Some people will attempt to ‘buy into’ a friendship, buy offering financial friendliness and some expect it right off the bat; these are not friends; they are flawed in their thinking or are using money as a means to win you over or show superiority or what I like to call ‘excessive’ kindness.  Some are lonely millionaires in need of friends, wanting and willing to share, at no fault of their own.  Some will make friends and begin their downward spiral of complaining about their lives, hoping you will fix it or offer up free advice for their desperation.  A good friend might come along that just wants someone to tackle the world with, to help navigate through this thing we call life; someone to talk to about challenges, someone to learn from or someone to guide.  One might look for someone to spend quality time with so they can have someone to rely that is not a girlfriend, someone they can play sports with or go shopping with, but at some point, your friend is going to need you and you’ll need to be there for them.

Some people think Facebook is a place for friends and they think they have 350-500 or more friends, but how many true and real friends can one person realistically have? They say you can only count your true friends on one hand, but on the other hand, they say you can never have enough friends.  It’s about depth, reliability, and contact.

Sometimes people try to hard or want people to prove themselves before they can be considered a friend.  Some people need to test the waters before they can swim, mainly due to fear because of past friendship disasters.  Some friends can become friends right away and other times it takes work.  If it takes too much work, it becomes more of a job and naturally one might wonder why that person would even bother and it’s most likely because they want something from that person; maybe just because they enjoy the challenge, saw something they liked in that person and knew they’d become friends if they could break through the exterior wall built by finding out why the wall was built in the first place.

Not all friendships were made to last forever and some are formed just by wearing the same T-Shirt, having the same hair stylist, or by sharing the same employer or classroom. It’s easy to be likable and when you notice someone doesn’t like you; it’s a simple choice of changing, adapting, or being okay with the fact that they may not like you.  To try to gain everyone’s acceptance and friendship is not always easy and can be burdensome down the road as you grow closer since some friends want to be your best friend.  You can decide for yourself what makes you likable and how to win friends over, but it’s not by money, just a smile, or just listening alone.

When I first read his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, I laughed; like it was a contest, not remembering how middle school and high school friends were developed.  It was a contest; a popularity contest and quite painful.  Luckily in adult life, it’s not the same way; although sometimes, in the Corporate World it seems so. Sometimes you can become liked and popular just by being cute or being in the right position or place at the right time; but you can also become the most despised one of the bunch.  You can win them over simply by kindness and boundary setting within yourself to decide what you will tolerate and what you won’t.  Your observers or friends will watch how you use your boundaries and establish guidelines for how you allow people to treat you, as well as how you conduct yourself in friendships and they will either respect you for being a leader, forthright, and honest, or despise you because of jealousy, envy, or other immature or specific reasons.

If you choose to be 100% honest with people and don’t follow the rule of “If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all,” then you should be prepared for an argument.  The outcome will depend upon how much energy is expended in problem solving, understanding, and change which may or may not result in a stronger, deeper friendship.

If you find yourself in a situation where new friends want to talk about old friends, which is perfectly natural, then it’s important to be honest, sharing with respect to show what you expect from your new friend and giving them a sense that you wouldn’t disrespect them behind their back down the road.  It’s an opportunity to show your new friend what might upset you or what could cause the downfall of the new friendship.

They will respect your honesty and tact, if you can talk about each other respectfully and not hatefully, by communicating your differences in an ’empathetic’ fashion and discussing how and why it ended.  Communicating this will help you and your new friend avoid old friend disasters.  Immature friends, or new kids learning how to get over old friendships may gossip and take that information back to the other person, as they are trying to maintain friendships in a midst of a friendship battle, making it difficult to develop a true trusted friendship.  It’s best to avoid these types of relationships since they can cause harm on both sides, even if the third friend meant well, serving as a middle man to resolve past conflicts.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.  It’s best to just let friends resolve their own conflicts with brute honesty if possible.

As you get older, you realize, some friendships end in court where penalties are assessed for emotional or physical pain and suffering.

I don’t know how to get people to like you other than being yourself, comfortable with who you are and what you bring to the friendship.  If it grows as you hope, then it’s great, but if you find that no one likes you and it’s difficult to make friends or maintain friends, then you might consider looking at yourself and your surroundings.  It might not be you, but them, or it just might be you and not them, but you have to at least look at this to figure it out.  If you really set out to make friends with a person, you should be willing to accept them as they are or walk away and not waste their time in shallow friendships, because there is someone that does accept them and wants to be their best friend just waiting around the corner for him or her to open up and become available.

Friendship is about sharing common activities, stimulating conversations, learning, growing, and being an active part of each others’ lives.  Friendships are often tested by other people, circumstances, time, distance, and change.  Being able to overcome obstacles together and work through hard times together helps strengthen friendships and friendships that stand the test of time, hardship, illness, family disasters, loss, gains, and growth are the most valuable relationships and take many years to evolve.

Opening up and becoming vulnerable to a new friend after a major life disaster and several losses is difficult, but not entirely impossible.  It’s just a matter of putting in the energy, finding someone that looks like they might be a fit, and giving it time to develop and grow.

How to get rid of people is also another area of art.  Letting go of a friend without letting them know you’ve grown to despise them, or letting your former friend know you’ve grown to despise them and learning to pick up the pieces of your own heart when you find out they don’t care and didn’t care enough to begin with; learning that what you thought was a friendship was really a shallow ‘counselor’ type time filler and not even real.  It’s a heartbreak, especially when you can’t even get an apology, but you get over it, realizing there is probably more to the past friendship for you to figure out; that maybe it was part of your own life’s lessons in learning about your self and human behavior. Perhaps this is just rationalizing it since there is a real heartbreak, but life is learning and when you encounter what seem to be good people who turn out to be bad and you can’t relate it to your own life, meaning you don’t see how it was something bad in yourself, then I guess it was just another human speciman sent to learn a lesson in good vs. evil.

The “Friendship Triangle” is another area of observation and topic where I’ll write about the power and dynamics of a 3 way friendship.